message board

[misshelenc]

I hope it was warm enough, despite the weather getting better here in the UK, it'd be waaaay too cold to sit outside late!

I had a good Jeffy dream last night. We went to a restaurant together for some reason, and ordered some food. Jeff said he didn't want his, and went on to order something else, and then did the same again, so he'd had 3 meals, and said he didn't want any of them. I felt really sad and like I'd taken him to the wrong place so it put me off eating mine. And then he made me pay, so I paid for 4 meals that remained uneaten. How rude! hee hee.

I did briefly check the board prior to bed but didn't actually listen to any music yesterday due to such a busy day, so it does support the board-before-bed theory.

xxxxx
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You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[jefflewis]

I apologize for my terrible behavior at the restaurant last night!
(I'll buy the food tonight to make up for it.)

[misshelenc]

You'll have to, if we're going out again tonight, I'm skint! We'll see, I'm off to bed in an hour so I'm sure time will tell. xx
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[misshelenc]

Had an amazing experience today.
I took my parents out for Sunday lunch (that they ended up paying for, as it happens, as it's my birthday this week so I get treated!) to this tiny, lovely vegetarian place in my city, and I'm sat there eating my food as you do and the intro to the Chelsea Hotel Oral Sex Song comes on. I was like, oh my, they're playing Jeff Lewis in here! There's a DJ see, so you can listen to records as you eat. It made me smile so so much. After that he played Lua by Bright Eyes, a song that I can cry/laugh along to at any time because it's just so fucking beautiful, and I thought I could actually marry him. I gave him my best flirty smile as I left and said thanks. If I wasn't so shy and rubbish I could have made friends or something, but nevermind eh. Made my day.

In other developments, I had a sci-fi dream last night, that the earth was being sucked into a void, and we needed the Doctor (from Doctor Who) to save it. He told me to solve a code of numbers, and then, at the final moment, smash a mirror so he didn't get sucked in and could save the planet.

xxx
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[misshelenc]

Note to self: Don't type the names of people you knew over 10 years ago into google and spy on what they're doing now. You had far too posh an education, and you'll find out that they're all beautiful, successful and a million other things that you'll never be. I am nothing I have done nothing. I need to go to bed and be unconscious.
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[AFB]

I've been having experiences like that where I want to talk to someone and then find I just can't - I swear that didn't happen until recently. How annoying.

misshelenc - I wouldn't bother thinking the way you say in your last post there. The richer you are the harder it is to keep yourself morally and ethically in check, which seems quite important to you, if you were like them, you'd probably hate it even more - grass isn't always greener on the other side and all of that.

[misshelenc]

It is annoying to not speak to people you have a good idea that you might get along with, especially when you don't find that sort of person that often, as is my case! Although shyness is kind of endearing I think, in a world where everyone is like 'look at me! I'm me!' in the world. I hope you feel you can again soon! I'm sure they'd be chuffed to get to know you.

You're right about the money thing, although if I did have some decent spare capital behind me, I'd pay up front to have solar panels put on my roof, rather than buy a yacht or whatever it is that rich people do. It's not really about the money, more about the actual sense of achievement. I have achieved certain things, but the problem is, it really doesn't feel like it. And when I do get somewhere with something, I invent another thing so it's never ending, I just keep moving the barriers every time. Or, like, with my degree, for example, I passed and got a good grade, but it wasn't 100% so it still feels like a failure. Even though in my rational brain, I know no one gets 100%, that's what I want, or need, to feel like it was good enough. It's my problem, but that doesn't make it any easier to feel good about. What's the point in achieving anything, if at the end of the day, it still doesn't feel like an achievement? Much better to do what I do now - opt out - stay at home, read books, keep out the way, write in notebooks with all ideas of ever being published long squashed, and do lots of hoovering.
However, the sleep did help, I felt wretched, but I went to bed, read a bit, and woke up an hour later than usual which was good. I did dream I took an overdose of pregabalin tablets as I was back at my old work, where there were all new staff that all hated me, but that must have sorted it out as now I feel better this morning. Better to dream about an overdose than actually have to do it!
Hope everyone is having a nice start to the week, sorry for the rant there. I have no idea why I choose to analyse myself here, I'm sure no one really cares, sorry!
xxx
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[kris]

I second what AFB said. Also, if you look someone up and find that they're doing something really amazing with their life, rather than letting it get you down, you could use it as inspiration. Think of how depressing it would be if everyone you looked up was sitting around being miserable, you'd maybe feel a temporary sense of relief, but it probably wouldn't inspire you to make the most of your life.. if that makes any sense.

[kris]

Helen,

Sorry, I just had the chance to read your other post about never feeling a sense of achievement, despite all you've done and realized my last little chunk of advice probably wasn't very helpful.. It's funny because I've seen so many accomplished people say the same thing and I don't really know what it is that finally makes a person feel fulfilled and satisfied with what they have.
My mom, for example is an artist/poet/professor who has all these college kids that really look up to her and she's had a bit of success with her art, but it's still never enough. When she does ever call me it's to complain about how miserable she is. I try to tell her that most people would give a lot to be in her position, but it never seems to help.
Anyway, I guess I don't really have any great advice... but it seems like your best bet is just to keep your soul alive by following your heart and maybe to slow things down a bit, stop and enjoy what you already have, rather than constantly trying to obtain more/ be more, whatever. I hope that makes some sense. You seem like a really cool, smart, amazing person and it makes me sad to think that you don't get any joy from just being you.

[jefflewis]

Hi Ms. H . C.!
Didn't I meet you in Cardiff once or twice? (and in multiple dreams obviously?)
You're totally cool! I wouldn't worry about insecurities... not like advice like that has ever stopped me from worrying... Like, here I am with my own message board and most of the time I still feel like I'm way behind everybody else in the world (including various people that I've met from the message board!). I think external circumstances are beside the point - everybody has millions of people who are doing better than them, and millions of people who are doing worse than them. Look at the people who are doing better than you when you think it might help provide some inspiration, and look at the people who are doing worse than you when you need a reminder of how good you've got it.
(Yeah, now if only I could take my own advice more often!)
Actually, even more than philosophizing, I find that when I'm eating and sleeping more properly, and getting some physical exercise every day (even a tiny little bit), I feel WAY better about everything, living a wee bit healthily has a big effect on my mood a lot of the time, when I can remember to do it!

[AFB]

Excercise and eating healthy works for me to, but only for short burts - I thin k the greatest piece of advice for enhancing your mood is to spend as much time outside as humanly possible. Which is difficult here in the UK, but I instantly realised how miserable my mood had been throughout winter when that first piece of sunshine came our a few weeks ago.

Now it's grey again

[misshelenc]

Thank you all for helping me. I've read all your words a good few times and am trying to digest it all and have a little ponder. Maybe I'll be able to think up a proper response in a bit.
I certainly love the idea of doing little thought experiments to help me rationalise that I'm not the worst person in the world. Should be useful, as this, logically at least should help me, even if I can't feel it.
I try and sleep and eat well but I guess not always successfully, and I do get out and about every day, but only walking. I cover quite a few miles doing my housework. OCD is a beautiful thing! I will attempt to do better. Anything to smile for real again!
Jeff I have met you a few times but I guess I hoped you'd been too drunk and forgotten me as I am ashamed, I take it that didn't happen!
Thank you again everyone you are all so kind and I appreciate you helping little old me so much xxxxxx
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[misshelenc]

Sorry I haven't been around much, been feeling really miserable and haven't been online. Plus I had a book to finish.
Last night I had a dream I was on a ship. Don't know why. I fell asleep at 9pm on the sofa and then woke up at 3am wondering where the hell I was, so I went upstairs.
I have a new addiction - jasmine good earth tea. mmm.
xxxxx
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[misshelenc]

Sorry I haven't been around, to anyone that's noticed! Loads of stuff on, loads of stress on, everyone is ill or unhappy and needs me, so I've been being unselfish (for once).
I'm going to my mums for a few days but I'll be back eventually.
On JL news, in the post today, my friend sent me Fuff comics she got Jeff to sign for me. It made me awfully happy, I could have cried. Thank you Jeff. Thank you friend xxxxx
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.

[misshelenc]

Haven't posted on here to myself in ages, maybe I should or people will think I've died or something.
Today I've been out all day, feeling miserable if I'm honest, even Doctor Who, carrot cake and my Bright Eyes ticket turning up didn't cut through it, as I am an ungrateful cow. Looking forward to going to bed shortly so I can crack on with my excellent book.
I listened to the radio today and realised a lot of music people I know like is terrible.
I have nightmares every night and it's horrible, I don't know if I should ask my doc if there's anything I can do about them. I doubt there is but I'm tired from constantly waking up, and when I finally drop off it's time to get up and I am still sleepy and feel unsettled all day. I won't make a special appointment but next time I'm there I might add it in. I never feel as scared as I do when I'm asleep during my waking hours.
_________________
You don’t put your life into your books. You find it there.